Ryseck's Exercise Rules Exercise Rule #1:  Women are only allowed to wear spandex shorts and half shirts if they rate a 7 or higher on the hotness scale of 1–10.  Women with fat asses or cottage cheese thighs are to keep parts covered until said weight is lost.... Exercise Rule #2:  Always allow a 10 second rule before your greedy ass takes over a piece of equipment.  You never know if I am getting some water or trying to hit on some hot chick. Exercise Rule #3:  Unless you are ME or the reigning Mr. Olympia, there will always be somebody who is bigger, stronger and looks better than you.  So quit strutting around like a peacock with a carrot shoved up your ass. Exercise Rule #4:  Beware of hot chicks who walk around the gym with headsets on, they really are not listening to music.  They can hear every word you say…So before you go telling your buddy how much you want to F her and make her your bitch, make sure she's not in ear shot to tell you to F off! Exercise Rule #5:  It is not your job to let somebody know they are doing an exercise wrong.  If the sorry jackalope can't take the time to educate himself or ask for assistance, he deserves to be ridiculed for it. Exercise Rule #6:  Obese individuals should not and do not need to use the Ab Machines.  Get your fat ass on a treadmill. Exercise Rule #7:  The gym is not a social hangout, you are to come in, workout, and get the hell out.   This is not the place to come and talk about your neighbor's sister's best friend's mom who is screwing the dog.....they have bars for that. Exercise Rule #8:  Keep it no more than 2 per lane in the swimming pool. Just because you are fat and buoyant doesn't mean you can swim fast.  If I wanted an obstacle course, I'd put a bunch of inflatable alligators in my way.  You fat asses are already making the pool overflow anyways.  Once again, get on a treadmill to lose weight first.... Exercise Rule #9:  No music other than Rock will be played in the weight room.  Should you wish to hear something else, then your pansy ass can get some headphones and listen to what ever GARBAGE it is you like to call music. Exercise Rule #10:  Real Men DO NOT DO circuit training!  If you want to get your heart rate up, go ride a bike or maybe even.... try having sex with your wife or girlfriend for more than 2 minutes. Exercise Rule #11:  It is never OK for a guy to feel another guy's bicep when he is flexing.  That's borderline gay!   No offense. Exercise Rule #12:   Don't use the girly machines.....NO Man should ever be caught on that machine that works your inner and outer thighs...Leave the Vag-Blaster 2000 for the ladies.... Exercise Rule #13:   If your job requires you to sweat more profusely than a monkey spanking his meat, ya need to take a shower and use deodorant BEFORE coming to the gym.   Some of you smell like a sea lion colony and the rest of us do not need that while we are trying to work out.... Exercise Rule #14:  Do not miss your hook shot and leave your dirty towel next to the bin. There is a reason why you aren't a basketball player......that is because you are NOT athletic in any shape or form other than ROUND shape.   Now go back to doing what you do best....playing Halo and World Of Warcraft.  You level 8 wizards know who you are!!! Exercise Rule #15: Do NOT leave your ass, ball, or v-jay sweat on the seat or any other surface.   Use some common courtesy and wipe that germ-infested puddle up. Exercise Rule #16:   Staring at a women’s breasts is good for a man’s health.  Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.  Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well- endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out.  Engaging in this activity a few minutes dail...y cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half and can extend a man's life 4-5 years. Exercise Rule #17:  Girls, choose workout partners correctly!  Any slim woman will look much more beautiful when she is next to a fat friend on a treadmill.  Some women prefer to go shopping with fat friends.  They feel better when they buy size 10 while their fat friends are struggling with a 16.  Same thing on a treadmill when you are jogging at 6.0mph and your friend is walking at 2.5mph. Exercise Rule #18:  No Cell Phones!!  Do not talk on your cell phone in the locker room, weight room, or cardio rooms.  For crying out loud, you are not that important.  There are eight people in Brooklyn that are important and YOU are not one of them! Exercise Rule #19:  No Loud Outbursts while lifting weights.  Screaming and yelling doesn't make the weights go up any easier or faster, it only makes you sound like an Ass!  I've heard classier noises at SeaWorld. Exercise Rule #20 :  On your way into the club, do not make more than small-talk with the cute counter girl.  Her boyfriend is probably one of the trainers, and will most likely kick your ass. Exercise Rule #21 :  When in the locker room, do NOT walk around naked for longer than two minutes.    Do that in your own house. When I'm trying to change quickly, I don’t need some old dude talking to me about his favorite sports team with his foot propped up on a bench and his junk hanging out all over the place. Exercise Rule #22:   Respect MILF/Desperate Housewife Day!  These ladies are allowed to put extreme amounts of make-up and perfume on prior to working out.  They are allowed to do their hair real nice and talk about anything BUT their husbands.  They do not sweat....they Glow!  They are also allowed to bribe personal trainers and fitness instructors. Exercise Rule #23 :  When in the locker room, do NOT comment on any man’s tattoo below the chest or his appendectomy scar.  This kind of behavior is NOT acceptable.  However; it’s OK in the women’s locker room.....Actually its kinda hot!! Exercise Rule #24 :  When in the locker room, DO NOT use the paper towel machine or air blower hand dryer thing to dry off!  Use a towel; If you are guilty of this rule, Go play “Darth Vader”. * *How to Play "Darth Vader":  Paint yourself black.  Lay down in the middle of the highway.  Use the Force to avoid traffic. Repeat. Exercise Rule #25:  Should you be at a bar and see some hot chick that you recognize from the gym there, it is totally acceptable....err....or rather encouraged that you talk to her.  Should she not acknowledge your existence the next time you see her at the gym, she is a b@#ch, and it is your responsibility to let all your friends know that she is a B@#ch. Exercise Rule #26:  If you are sucked up like a Safeway Chicken and have buggy whips for arms, you have no business wearing a tank top or a shirt with cut off sleeves.  Put a sweatshirt on... preferably one with a hood.   As a matter of fact, wear it backwards so you can hide your face!   You should be ashamed of yourself. Exercise Rule #27:  Re-rack your weights!!  Unless you have dropped a weight on your big toe and your sorry ass needs to be rushed to ER, put the weights back in the proper place.  I don't like laboring your 10's or 25's off the bar so I can stack on my 45's. Exercise Rule #28:   While in the locker room, don’t brush your teeth in the water fountain.  I realize your teeth may be so yellow that when you smile it looks like a Kraft Singles pack or that you’d been blowin' the Simpsons…..but maybe you should do that in the bathroom sink…and perhaps more than once a week. Exercise Rule #29:   Do not do your exercise in the middle of walkways.   When your dumbass is doing a lateral raise in the middle of a walkway and the rest of us have to stand there and wait for you to finish your set of 25 reps, we are not admiring how great you are doing….the truth is that your fat ass is blocking our way.   Exercise Rule #30:  When spotting someone on the bench press, be sure to wipe your face first.  Don’t touch the bar until I am in obvious need of help.  Just stand there in case needed.  You most likely aren’t!   As for you girls, if a guy asks you for a spot….dont panic because you cant lift the weight that he is lifting.  What you don’t realize is that you will only be lifting 1-10% of it.  Pssstttt……women! Exercise Rule #31:  Don’t scold the gym management  and complain that there aren’t any escalators.   Your fat ass is there to workout…..so DO IT! Exercise Rule #32:  Don’t drop the weights for No Reason.  It is true that the gym is not a temple or a church, but respect the peace of other fellow members.   Some of you are one cheeseburger away from a diabetic coma and you don’t need someone slamming their weights behind you speeding up that process. Exercise Rule #33:  Do not pretend to Have an Orgasm while lifting weights.   I know some of us may grunt, yell or emit little noises when we are lifting heavy weights for the last few reps.   Sometimes, it is acceptable, but overdoing it will distract others.   Worse, people may think you are having orgasm.    Ladies, Save those noises for the bedroom.   Exercise Rule #34 :  Do not talk to people while you are taking a dump.  For Pete’s Sake, just wait two minutes. No conversation is THAT important. Exercise Rule #35:  Guys who wear gym clothes that match are Fags. No offense. Exercise Rule #36:  Arnold is and will forever be a God in the bodybuilding world. Exercise Rule #37: Guys, don't be afraid to use the leg and calf machines every once and a while. Some of you do Chest and Biceps 4-5 times a week and never touch the legs. I've seen birds with bigger legs then what some of you try to sport. Add a leg day!!! Exercise Rule #38: Don't feel self conscious if you have flabby thighs, Fortunately, your stomach probably covers them! Exercise Rule #39: Do not sing along to whatever it is you are listening to on your headphones while working out. Just because you are ugly like Susan Boyle doesn't mean you have good vocals. Leave the singing to the artist and continue your 10-lb dumbbell curls quietly. Exercise Rule #40: "Swim-suit season" is ALL year round! If you are one of those individuals that just workout at CERTAIN times of the year (New Years resolutionists), go solve a rubix cube at the bottom of the deep-end pool. If you aren't in the gym regularly during the months October-December, you are not allowed to workout in January and the Pre-summer months.